Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You can't just leave with hair like that
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
