I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
