Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
