Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
