youre lurking in front of me
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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