i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
