im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
