Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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