As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
