she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
