You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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