My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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