I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
