please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Randomize
