Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
