i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
