phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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