The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
