can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
