My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
