my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Randomize
