nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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