You work out of a Hotel?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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