if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize