she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
