Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize