I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
