ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
it's great music for shaving your balls
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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