oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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