Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
