please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
