I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
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