Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Bring me that man meat
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
