nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize