new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
