Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
