she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
