At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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