the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
