i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
this hospital has no fireball
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
