Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
