Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
