How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
