Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
