Sorry, I don't speak sober.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
