While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
