He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
