I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
