Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
