Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
This is my gift to your gina
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
