someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
