You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
