I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
