i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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