Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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