Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
