You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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