tell your sister to shave her snatch
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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