Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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