Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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