I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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