Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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