I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
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