I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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