Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
this hospital has no fireball
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
