Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
