when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize