if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
