loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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