Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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