i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize