Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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