i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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