i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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